Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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