so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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