I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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