ya dads aren't the best wingmen
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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