The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
