What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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