There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I booty called her while she was in labor.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
