You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
