Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
