I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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