Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
