Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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