this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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