i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
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she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
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Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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