remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
