My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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