I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
