the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
