Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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