My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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