At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
