I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
