she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wear drunk well.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
