The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
