If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
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