The maid of honor just puked.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
