i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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