i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need to sanitize my soul.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
