census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
