my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
