...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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