One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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