you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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