i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
what day is it and did you see me today?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
