Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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