the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
