The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
