You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
