i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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