Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So squirting runs in the family.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
