You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
