I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Randomize
