booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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