You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
