There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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