Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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