Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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