I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My life is pants optional.
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