i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
