composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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