Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
