you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
