Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
