in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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