sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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