I think I died a long time ago.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
