I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.