I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
# Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.