You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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