note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
nutella sex= disaster
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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