I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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