Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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